Childless Grief Coping Strategy: Make Friends with an Ambivalent Mother

In my early 40s, I developed a friendship with a woman in her late 20s that would change my life. I was languishing in my job as a college administrator at the time and struggling with grief over not having children.

My boss encouraged me to hire a young woman from her network for a position on my team. At 26, Olivia had two kids and a recently completed graduate degree. Her research on gender made her a good fit for a project I was leading to address harassment and discrimination on campus.

Olivia’s unhappiness in motherhood

Olivia and I bonded quickly over our deep shared commitment to social justice. Keen to spend more time with her, I found an opportunity to present our work at a conference in Montreal. After delivering a great presentation, we had a blast celebrating with a night on the town.

On the train back, she revealed that she didn’t want to go home. Our time away had reminded her of life before parenting. She had been so busy throughout her 20s going to school and raising her sons that she didn’t have time to realize how deeply unhappy she was.

My grief over not having children

I was miserable too. As I shared in The Surprising Grief of a Woman who Didn't Want Kids, I had moved from total certainty about not wanting kids, through ambivalence and finally to grief.

Throughout my teens, 20s and early 30s, all I could see was the negative impact that becoming a mom would have on my life. Then, as I approached the end of my fertility, my focus turned to what I’d be missing out on.

The idea that I would never experience the kind of love between a parent and child left me devastated. But I didn’t say a word to anyone about my change of heart—until I met Olivia. When she revealed how trapped she felt by having children, I admitted how depressed I felt about not having them.

Unexpected solace in my grief

I never could have imagined that my friendship with a mom would help me grieve not having kids, but it did. Olivia was the first person who fully opened up to me about what parenting a toddler and seven-year-old had taken from her life. Having kids, she explained, was a continual disappointment for her.

Olivia’s honesty pierced the idealized visions of motherhood that danced in my head. Meanwhile, my unhappiness challenged her fantasies of freedom. I had so many of the things she longed for: the time and space to do what I wanted, a partner I loved, and a social life. But I was also steeped in sadness. We both realized that we needed to grieve what we had believed motherhood would give us.

Finding meaning after the grief of not having children

Fast forward 13 years and we’re both self-employed doing work that grows directly out of our experience.

Olivia is a social work counsellor and educator with a thriving practice specializing in parental mental health. She wrote Impossible Parenting, a book that explores the impact of today’s unrealistic parenting standards.

As for me, I’m an organizational consultant and executive coach with a passion for helping women who didn’t have children find meaning and purpose in their lives. We regularly seek out opportunities to work and play together. I can’t imagine my life without her.